Cyber-Stalking

I was on myspace the other day and decided to search for an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Anyhow, within a couple of clicks I made a GRAVE error. I searched using her old email, and somehow i double-clicked or something but I inadvertently INVITED her to join myspace, thus completely revealing my identity AND cyber-stalking habits.

Then I had a great idea: the best way for me to cover my tracks was to start sending "join myspace" invitations to everyone from my high-school, so that if she spoke to any of her old friends she would think that I was sending out invitations to everyone. So after a frantic couple-hours of emailing invitations, I decided that maybe all of the periphery high school people would think that I was cyber-stalking them. So then I spent all the next day sending out "join myspace" invitations to all of the people I knew in college, and at work-- just to expand the realm of plausibility that I really enjoy myspace and think everyone should be a part of it.

Long story short, I have started sending out lots of other emails now, some regarding body part enlargements, others regarding this guy I know in Nigeria who is trying to send large sums of money to your bank account for no very good reason, and still others regarding this great new networking service called classmates.com...

Damn it, I can't believe who I just emailed...

the Notorious PUG

I have a pug named NOTORIOUS P.U.G. He is awesome.


I imagine having an awesome dog is a lot like having a child. You feel an incredible sense of pride when you realize he is going to be really, really good-looking. You feel inexplicable amusement when he does little things, like eat fallen food scraps or paw at himself in the mirror, because it seems completely unique. You talk about him a lot because he is completely fascinating, but really he is only fascinating to you.

Allow me to digress for a moment to discuss the fact that there is a fly AND a mosquito flying around my house right now. Every time I see something flap near my screen I crouch low in my chair, but then I feel relieved when I realize it's just the fly... but I know the mosquito is here too, and I must be vigilant.

Anyways, my pug is larger than other pugs. He actually IS unique. He weighs a whopping 34 lbs, and he ate a Chihuahua once, but I didn't notice until later, and I never started caring. Puggie is also the first dog that has not tried to run-away at the first opportunity, which says something about him-- or me.

In conclusion, dogs are just like babies covered in thick fur who never learn to talk.

The Cornell Chimes

I stumbled upon the Cornell Alumni website today, and then-- after further stumbling--- I found a page where you can listen to the Cornell Chimes play the school's Alma Mater.

It piqued some emotion in me. There is comfort in their deep echoes. The evening song would always make me pause to reflect upon the world outside Cornell--a world full of possibilities.

"What does the future hold for me...?"

I could only answer with a grin.


http://www.chimes.cornell.edu/sounds.html

Fake News Department

Cheney Inherits Presidency for an hour: Declares War on Iran, France

In a scheduled transfer of power on Friday, Vice-President Dick Cheney assumed the President's powers while George W. Bush was sedated for a prostate procedure. In an unlikely turn of events, President-for-the-hour Cheney used the opportunity to launch simultaneous "preemptive" missile strikes on Tehran and Paris.

Operation Irani Freedom and Operation Frog-killa came as a complete surprise to Washington insiders. Even White House Press Secretary Tony Snow seemed flustered facing reporters at a noon press conference. When questioned about the President's logic, Tony Snow offered with uncharacteristic frankness, "We don't have reasons for every little thing we do, okay?!"

Simpsonized

Craig transformed into Simpsons character. (Courteousy of simpsonizeme.com)

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Google Search

I googled "thenewsun" and for the first time ever, my little blog page popped up as the number one hit...

... On the second page.

Little People Meet!

So the blog advertisements that none of you are clicking are actually pretty entertaining... Kern pointed out in a comment that due to my discussion of midgets, Google decided to advertise a midget dating service on my page.

Initially I thought he was just being funny, but I saw the advertisement myself today. The website is Littlepeoplemeet.com! (look for the ad on this page) It is a completely hilarious midget-themed dating service! Obviously I enrolled immediately.

I was amazed to see that it contains a lot of normal-sized, attractive women. For some reason I have a hard time believing that all these women who are 5'5 and 5'7 are just looking for a nice midget man to cuddle with. Do people in this height range classify themselves as little people? I secretly suspect that these attractive women posts are designed to lure midgets outside so that they can be captured and forced to work in travelling circuses and chocolate factories.

Anyhow, I found a good pic from the website for your viewing pleasure.

The Extramarital Affair(s) of France's First Lady

The story of politicians and their infidelities has long been a cliche. Everyone knows about JFK and Marilyn, Bill and Monica, and Bush and Cheney... Yet First Ladies always let their unscrupulous husbands off the hook.

If power is the greatest aphrodisiac (like Henry Kissinger once said) then who could be sexier than a Head of State?

Hence Presidents overcome their extramarital affairs because their wives know a divorce equates to a downgrade (in sexy power)... However, what if it came to light that the First Lady was having an affair? Would the President divorce her and live it up as the ultimate bachelor? Society views the promiscuity of men and women a bit differently, and I venture to say that most men wouldn't stand for it...

In France, this exact situation has arisen.* President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife was photographed with her lover in the run-up to his election, but now she stands by his side. Will it last?

*France, it should be noted, is much more liberal about the dalliances of its politicians.

Improv Comedy-- Begins!

Last night was my first day of comedy school, woohoo! Unfortunately it didn't leave me much time to post. Tonight I am going to a stand-up comedy show with Matt Besser (one of the founding members of the Upright Citizen's Brigade).

But I will try and squeeze in some posts before the clock strikes midight.. I already have some ideas...

Jail House Rock

This video totally blows my mind. Imagine a tough prison in the Philippines... Imagine a courtyard full of inmates... and imagine, if you will, a seamlessly performed rendition of Michael Jackson's Thriller video.

It boggles the mind.

Plot Idea for a great Sci-Fi Film

Okay, the year is 2120 and the Earth's population is exploding... the major superpowers are slowly eradicating foreign countries in a race for resources like water and arable land.

The world's governments decide that the best solution to avoiding global war is to genetically mutate the the human race into... (wait for it... wait for it....) midgets. Midgets, they figure, are just like regular humans (unlike dwarfs which are disproportionate, and are said to have magical properties) except that they are smaller and would consume less resources. The government goes forward, and alters the DNA of all baby humans in their prenatal phase to make sure they are midgets.

Later in the film, a large army of Wookiees invades planet Earth. In the most climactic scene the Army of Wookiees attempts to take down a shield generator in the middle of the forest before the human midgets can retaliate by firing their planet-destroying-deathstar-ray from their deathstar (which is still under construction.)

Just as it seems like the human midgets are going to be overrun, a skilled force of forest midgets foils the ultra-modern war machines of the Wookiees by using primitive forest traps.

Afterwards the human midgets celebrate in their tree-top village with a fireworks show.

Encouraging Clicks

Hey! I have been running a blog for an hour and a half now... and it's time to get paid! Well sort of... did you know that if you start a blog, and people click on the advertisements on your page you get mailed a check! Amazing!!

What a revelation-- I have already quit my day job!

Anyhow, in pursuance to google policy, I don't want to direct you to the ads unless you are genuinely interested in clicking them (*wink*). I will not tell you to click anything that might possibly be to the immediate right of this post (*wink*) unless you are really, absolutely, without a doubt, interested in a random piece of something (*wink*).

I repeat do not click on anything that would compensate your hard-working, caring friend who labors long hours to post on his blog

For the details on how I cannot encourage you to click the links, I have pasted the guidance below.

Encouraging Clicks

In order to ensure a good experience for users and advertisers, publishers may not request that users click the ads on their sites or rely on deceptive implementation methods to obtain clicks. Publishers participating in the AdSense program:

• May not encourage users to click the Google ads by using phrases such as "click the ads," "support us," "visit these links," or other similar language
• May not direct user attention to the ads via arrows or other graphical gimmicks
  May not place misleading images alongside individual ads
• May not promote sites displaying ads through unsolicited mass emails or unwanted advertisements on third-party websites
• May not compensate users for viewing ads or performing searches, or promise compensation to a third party for such behavior
• May not place misleading labels above Google ad units - for instance, ads may be labeled "Sponsored Links" but not "Favorite Sites"

Who Likes His Cowboy Hat?

I do, as a matter of fact.

I have taken to wearing a giant white Stetson cowboy hat around DC. I stumbled across an old hat store when I went to San Antonio for my brother's wedding a few months ago. When I bought it everyone chuckled and said "Nice Cowboy Hat" in a sarcastic way, like I would stop wearing it when I left San Antonio.

Well, who's laughing now...

SCIENTISTS: APPENDIX HOME TO SOUL- OOPS!

In a press conference at the National Institute of Health on Thursday, scientists announced that new medical evidence suggests the human soul resides inside the appendix. Ironically the appendix, which prior to Thursday’s discovery was thought to be without function, was routinely removed from the human body at the onset of inflammation.

Dr. Winslow, Spokesperson for the National Institute of Heatlh, advises all Christians who have survived appendicitis to contact a priest immediately for a routine check-up. When questioned about whether Jews without appendixes should see their Rabbis, Dr. Winslow explained that only humans with souls need worry about the discovery.

(Disclaimer: Jews actually do have souls.)

Getting the ball rolling...

This blog is an attempt to get back into the swing of writing humorous and serious articles. I am curious to hear your input, so please don't be shy about comments.

So without further ado...