The Onion

Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

WHITESTONE, NY—Shortly after viewing a television report on the international child-slavery trade, 42-year-old father David Newsom was "alarmed" Monday when a subsequent Internet search revealed that his son, Dave, Jr., would fetch more than $35,000 in an underground Burmese child-sex-slave operation.

"To think that there are sickos out there who would pay an extra five grand just because he's blond," said Newsom, who claimed he was shocked by how easy it was to upload photos to the illicit organization's website. "These people are absolute monsters with their height requirements, though."

Newsom added that he was just glad to know his 11-year-old son was happy, healthy, and in possession of two normal and absolutely toxin-free kidneys.

Tom Cruises Unauthorized Biography

If you are like me, you have been anxiously anticipating the release of Tom Cruise's Unauthorized Biography since the first time you saw Top Gun at age 8.

Slate did a quick overview for those of you who don't have time to read the interesting tidbits about whether Tom is a control-seeking homosexual who believes his baby is the incarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.

The full article is here.

But here is a taste, for you lazy vistors:

"Inside the Actor's Closet

Ever since that ridiculously homoerotic volleyball scene in Top Gun, the world has wondered about Tom Cruise's sexuality. But Andrew Morton's Tom is a hot-blooded heterosexual.

Page 13: One of Tom's first girlfriends, Carol Trumpler, still gets "misty-eyed" when she remembers her brief dalliance with the future star: "He was a very good kisser, very much at ease with it all. But what do you know at eleven?" Sadly for Carol, Tom moved on pretty quick. "I was trying to be a good girl, and when I didn't give in to his ways he moved on."

Page 68: Remember the sex-on-a-train scene in Risky Business? Morton alleges that "while Tom and Rebecca [De Mornay] were nervous before playing the scene, those who snuck onto the closed set are convinced that the answer to the question of 'did they, didn't they' really get it on on camera is a firm yes."

Page 195: High-school girlfriend Diane Van Zoeren doesn't give any credence to the "Tom is gay" rumor: "I don't get it. I find these stories just hard to believe. We romanced in my dad's Oldsmobile doing what you are not supposed to."

Page 34: Nancy Armel, another high-school flame, also remembers fooling around in a parked car. She told Morton: "I was black and blue from the gearshift."

Page 65: Tom tried to impress Nancy by taking her to the Broadway musical La Cage aux Folles, but he "was unaware of the story line—about two gay men living together in St. Tropez." According to Nancy, "he couldn't handle it. We had to leave before the intermission. It really bothered him. He was definitely homophobic."

Page 195: Morton claims that "Tom was uncomfortable around gay men. Those who saw him in the company of some of Nicole [Kidman's] gay friends, who included designer John Galliano, noticed that he was awkward and ill at ease, much preferring the company of jocks who talked about football rather than fashion."

Courtly Knight/Night Stalker

Page 259: Just one day after Sofía Vergara met Tom, Morton says the Colombian actress "faced a blizzard of phone calls, text messages, and e-mails." Tom also "sent her flowers, notes, and chocolates."

Page 263: Eventually, Sofía got freaked out by Tom's attentiveness and his faith. When Tom arranged for a trip to Clearwater, the Scientology center in Florida, she allegedly "stood him up, packing a bag and 'disappearing' for a few days." Tom, however, wouldn't let up: "For five days he left messages and texts, but she resolutely refused to return his calls."

Page 145: During their courtship phase, Tom sent Nicole Kidman "flowers, usually red roses, almost daily."

Page 157: Tom's romancing didn't stop with clichéd flora; he also had a way with words. Morton claims that "one householder in Toronto who rented her house to the Cruises was bemused to find several love notes in her sofa cushions when she moved back in. At first she thought her husband was being uncharacteristically affectionate. Then she realized they were penned by Tom."

Idea of the Day

Dear Hasbro (and fellow gummy bear makers of the world),

Why don't you just make red and clear gummy bears? That is all anyone wants to eat. Is it that the yellow, green, and orange gummies are made from the waste of the red and clear gummies? is that the little scam you have going? because I am not fooled. Sell bags of only red gummies and your profit goes up 50% this year, mark my words.

Sincerely yours,
C

Article of the Day

The Washington Post had an interesting article today on why Barack Obama has been embraced by white voters, but not by black ones. The article points out that many civil rights leaders have been hesitant to support him, either because they believe white America would never elect an African-American candidate, or conversely because it would signify the end of the struggle for civil rights.

Article Snippet:

As Obama Rises, Old Guard Civil Rights Leaders Scowl
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/11/AR2008011102000.html?hpid=opinionsbox1

The most amazing thing about the 2008 presidential race is not that a black man is a bona fide contender, but the lukewarm response he has received from the luminaries whose sacrifices made this run possible. With the notable exception of Joseph Lowry, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference veteran who gave a stirring invocation at Obama's Atlanta campaign rally in June and subsequently endorsed him, Obama has been running without much support from many of the most recognizable black figures in the political landscape. That's because, positioned as he is between the black boomers and the hip-hop generation, Obama is indebted, but not beholden, to the civil rights gerontocracy. A successful Obama candidacy would simultaneously represent a huge leap forward for black America and the death knell for the reign of the civil rights-era leadership -- or at least the illusion of their influence. [Rev. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, etc.]

The most recent example of the old guard's apparent aversion to Obama was Andrew Young's febrile YouTube ramblings about Bill Clinton being "every bit as black as Barack Obama" and his armchair speculation that Clinton had probably bedded more black women during his lifetime than the senator from Illinois -- as if racial identity could be transmitted like an STD. This could be dismissed as a random instance of a politician speaking out of turn were it not part of an ongoing pattern.

The power of great dialogue...

Good luck writers, with that strike of yours...

Image of the Day, part II

Who knew the comedian Carrot Top was so jacked? It is kind of scary that a non-humorous comedian be so huge... it must be some attempt to deter hecklers.

This photo compares him to Blanka from the video game Street fighter Two. Blanka was that incredibly cheap creature who could electrocute you or turn into a ball and fling himself at you.

Given my choice, I would still prefer to hang out with Blanka.

PRK update

I know you have all been anxious to hear the report on how my eyes are doing... so I will tell you.

I got surgery on my eyes in late August, and now my eyes should be through their healing process. I spoke briefly to a friend of mine who has just scheduled her own PRK appointment. I suspect she secretly wants to kill me and take over my life. Once I saw her and she was writing in her notebook, and she had just written my name over and over again. But that is another story.

Anyway, my eyes see wonderfully. I do experience a slight halo effect on lights at nighttime. I have noticed that my eyes are sensitive to sunlight now. I continue to where sunglasses whenever I am outside (per instruction), which is sometimes as much hassle as wearing regular glasses. The main difference is I look (or appear as if I am trying to look) cooler.

My eyes do get dry sometimes. I put moisture drops in my eyes about once a day. And if I don't put this gel in my eyes when I go to sleep at night, my eyes get extremely dry while I am sleeping, and it is painful (sometimes excruciatingly) when I wake up. This is heightened dramatically if I have done any drinking the night before.

One other weird side-effect is that flying really, really dries out your eyes. Definitely put a moisturizing night-time gel in your eyes, and bring lots of drops if you are flying. The first flight I took I was unprepared, and was literally squirting drops all over my face to the horror of the passengers to my right and left. The cramped quarters of plane, and frequent turbulence, makes it difficult to do eye drops, FYI.

That's about it. I am open to questions. I would certainly do it again. I have 20/15 vision now.